Coming to the realisation in a committed relationship that, the person may not be the one for you can be hard to reconcile. No one wants to be that guy and break someone’s heart. This blog post really addresses if you are that person having doubts, when and how you should let go. This blog (and the last blog) is specifically for those who are currently unmarried.
A slightly different angle to come from… Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God and love people as you love yourself (Matthew 22:36-40). This means regardless of how we feel towards others, love governs how we treat them. In a relationship ending scenario, consider how you would want to be treated and afford that person the same treatment. I say this because often, you hear stories of how relationships broke down and it was horrible, but it does not have to be that way.
Our hearts are fragile and God knows that, I think that’s part why love is so important to God. He says you can do mighty exploits but if you don’t have love, you are nothing (welp :/). In 1 Corinthians 13, the Bible goes on to set out the characteristics of love, in essence this is how you should be dealing with a person and if you are not; you are missing the mark…
Love is:
- Patient
- Kind
- It does not envy
- It does not boast
- It is not proud
- It does not dishonour others
- It is not self-seeking
- It is not easily angered
- It keeps no record of wrongs
- Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
- It always protects
- Always trusts
- Always hopes
- Always perseveres.
So, if you are having doubts, seek God’s counsel – ask “Lord, what should I do here?” Nothing beats going directly to the throne of grace and asking the Lord for clarity and guidance… He has the answers.
After seeking God and as God leads you, speak to your partner with full transparency. Ideally this would be when you’re having doubts and/or soon as you realise your feelings may have changed. Communicate, communicate, communicate with your partner, and at the earliest opportunity too. Finding out your partner has been having doubts after a week, versus after a month, has significant effects, the latter is far more devastating. While it is important to gather your thoughts to prepare yourself to talk to your partner and articulate your concerns, remember you are in a partnership; so your partner deserves to know at the very least that there is a concern. Importantly, it may not end in letting go of the relationship, but communicating with your partner in the early stages shows you are considering your partner and is itself an act of love. If the relationship does in fact end, then that is a journey you were both on – there is no deception involved.
In conclusion, when should you let go? I guess the short answer is when God says you should and not a second later. In practice then, it is after you have sought God and (in an ideal world) after you have had at least an initial conversation with your partner. In determining how to end a relationship, look at your decision-making through the lens of the love standard in 1 Corinthians 13. That will inform you in your specific scenario, what is appropriate and how you should treat the person, for example:
– Deciding to sit down with them in person (I would always recommend this)
– Being truthful and forthcoming about the circumstances of why you came to the decision
– Being sensitive to questions they have for you
– Deciding whether or not to honour a prior commitment.. etc.
The Bible says love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8) and love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). The thought of letting someone go and break ups is just not easy at all. I wrote this blog as a reminder that love should reign especially in heartbreaking circumstances.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” Philippians 2:3
Love,
Dom xx
